Tantrums, melt-downs, freak-outs....

Before you read on, I want to say something: I have been thinking lately about how I don't write in my journal anymore. I don't enjoy writing, it hurts my hands, and I don't feel like I have enough time. I am so far behind, that the idea of writing, it just appalling to me. I would love to use my scrapbook as my journal, but I have similar issues there. I don't have time or space to do it. And again, I am so far behind that I fear that I will forget these things before I get a chance to scrapbook them. So, this blog is my only form of a journal. I feel like journals are so important. My mother kept a regular journal all her life and I am so grateful for that. Since she died before I could really know her, her journals are the only way for me to 'get inside her head'. I love them! But since it is not a talent of mine, I have decided this blog is my journal. One day, I am going to make one of those 'blog/photo books'. That way my kids and my grandkids will still have a 'journal' that I have kept. My point is, from now on, my posts will not only be about our family, and our kids, but it will also be a lot of my thoughts and feelings. Don't ever feel pressured to read it, it is mainly for me. But of course, I will never put anything on here that I do not want people to read. With that being said, lets get started:

By reading the title of this post, you are probably thinking this is about my "terrible two-year old". Well you are wrong. Yes it is a result of a total freak out that Lucas had (this was way beyond tantrum), but this post is about me. Tonight, Lucas freaked out. He was so tired (due to skipping his nap), and overwhelmed by all of the family members at our family dinner, and he had just had enough. I have no words to describe the way he acted except 'psycho'. Needless to say, I started thinking about why he acts that way (only sometimes), but where does he get it from? I realized....he gets it from ME!! Granted he is a two year old, so it is his age as well. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I still struggle with it! I have a few stories that will explain it:

First let me preface this, most of my 'freak-outs' were a result of my sister who is 3 years older than me. It is strange to say that since my sister has always been my best friend. We are three years about, and shared a room our entire lives. When one of us would come home from college, we still shared our room, clear until we got married (we had a double wedding). My sister always took care of me, she is the most motherly woman I know. But for some reason, I reacted to her in very disturbing ways. One time, she was babysitting me (I think I was about 9-10 years old). I was playing in my front yard with some friends, and she came to tell me it was time to come in. I don't remember being mad at her before this, so I have no explanation for the way I acted. But I snapped. I picked up a shovel that was sitting next to me, and began chasing her around the yard....and I caught up with her. I think she still has the scar on her ankle.

One Sunday, we were going to church, I was 12 years old. I was having a bad day (bad hair day, bad clothes day) and I was just in a bad mood. As we got to church my jumper/dress started to rip. So my sweet sister decided to help me in the bathroom. I was crying and upset, not with her though. But I yelled at her for something, and she called me stupid (or something equivalent to that) and started to walk away. I grabbed her arm and dug my nails into her skin, and said "Don't call me stupid" and she pulled her arm away, and my nails were so deep into her skin that I left four deep scratches all along her arm. After wards I looked at my nails, and sure enough, there were strings of skin under each of my nails. Again, she still has scars on her arm.

This one happened on too many occasions to count. My sister would make me mad over something, usually something small like she didn't clean her half of the room. But I would always get mad at her, and I would try to 'control' my anger. (I use the word "control" lightly) Instead of attacking her, I would attack the blinds in our room. I would grab handfuls of the blinds, and pull them, tear them, bend them, whatever I could do to them, I did. Eventually my parents discovered the 'white-trash' fix-up job we did (on several occasions) and we had to get new blinds, that I destroyed later in a similar situation.

There are many more situations like these, one that involves throwing wee-waffle toys at her face, leaving her with a very fat lip. Many that involve punching and kicking her.

There was one time when I think I was about 5-6 years old. This one is with a different sister, who wasn't so quick to forgive. She was helping me bathe, and accidentally got shampoo in my eyes. I had been fighting her in the bath most of the time, so there was water everywhere. I shoved her as hard as I could, and she fell back sliding her left hand under the door. The edge of the door cut her pretty bad, and yes, she still has the scar. She was pretty self-conscience about it (and I don't blame her) since her left hand would be the hand in all her bridal pictures.

I don't know what my problem was. And in fact, what my problem is! Last night, I was so hungry (like I always am being pregnant), and I couldn't find anything that sounded good. So I was just going to starve. Matt grabbed himself some fruit snacks, and I saw it and it sounds so good. So I asked him to get me one. Now this is one of the biggest problems in our marriage (I know a lame problem, but it is true). He gets frustrated with me, because he says I wait until he is standing up, and then I ask him for things. Like I just sit there, waiting for him to get up so I don't have to. So when I asked for the fruit snacks, he did his "I am kind of annoyed" laugh, and got me some. But to make a point to him, I threw the fruit snacks at his face. They landed on the floor and I didn't touch them, just to show him, I didn't want them anymore. I think Lucas picked up the fruit snacks after he woke up.

Now I feel like I have matured, and calmed down since those really wild days. Now when I am frustrated, I either keep it in, or I talk to Matt about it until we figure it out. But what the heck was I thinking back then?! I really have no idea of where to begin to figure it out. I was just an angry child I guess. And I have to say, my sister is a sweetheart. Right after I would attack, I would realize what I had done, and would just start bawling. Emily would almost always forget her pain, and would come comfort me!! And she would help me to "cover up" the evidence so my parents wouldn't find out. I don't know why she continued to be not only my sister, but my best friend.

Well, please do not judge me by this post, like I said, most of these stories were a long time ago. I am MUCH more mellow and calm now. :)

Christmas and much more....

Like every ones holiday season, ours was extremely busy. But we loved every minute of it! Thanks to Matt's hard work, he was able to win gift cards from work for Christmas, and then Santa blessed us on a few occasions. I am not sure who our "Santa/s" were, but hopefully you come across this and you can get the "Thank-You" you deserve. We appreciate your thoughts for us and want you to know, the money was spent wisely. :)

Some how I didn't get any pictures of Christmas! I got a video of Lucas opening his presents, but that was it. What kind of mother am I? But here are a bunch of pictures from other things we have been doing around here:

Lucas LOVES Elmo and 'Bear'. He carries them around everywhere. We have been talking to him about the potty, and how diapers are for babies, so he has decided that Elmo is the baby. He puts diapers on Elmo, and feeds Elmo, and even puts him in Time-Out. Lucas received 'Bear" from Great Grandma Andreason, and has not put him down since. He sleeps with him, eats with him, reads to him, even paints with him. It is so cute!

We went sledding as a family a while ago. It was Luke's first time, and mine and Matts first time in at least 6 years. It was so fun! We chose small hills since we didn't know how Lucas would handle it, but he loved it. By the end he had convinced us he was ready to go down all by himself. He thought it was so funny. Matt and I enjoyed ourselves too. :)

There is a picture in here of me at 20 weeks pregnant. And somehow in 2 weeks, I think my belly doubled in size. As far as pregnancy goes, things are going fine. I have been off of my prescription for 'morning sickness' (although for me it is 'afternoon/evening sickness') for one and a half weeks. I have been doing well, I still get pretty sick, but it doesn't last longer than 10-15 min. And I am not throwing up! Woo Hoo! I have been feeling more like a pregnant woman, not just because of the sickness, but it is catching up to me, big time. Yesterday, I passed out, with just me and Lucas at home. Kind of scarey, Luckily Lucas thought I was playing a game. I woke up to his face about one inch from mine laughing while playfully screaming "Momma!" Afterwards, I was just fine. It makes me a little nervous about if it were to happen again and I fall on my head or something, but this one wasn't bad. For those who don't know, light-headedness is very common for me while I am pregnant. And I did pass out with Lucas as well. My Dad says my Mom passed out every time - I must take after her. Then the day before yesterday, I sneezed, and of course peed my pants. That was the first time with this pregnancy. And I will tell you, it is an embarrassing thing when your two year old (who you are trying to get to go pee-pee in the potty) sees that you went pee-pee in your pants and says "eh, gross" and grabs his potty for me to sit on. That was a sad moment. But those are things you have to just take with pregnancy, other that, things are going great.

The other pictures are just the happenings of a two year old. Lucas loves to brush his teeth, so he will carry his potty to the sink (kitchen or bathroom) and turn the water on, and brush away, while trying to spit. It is cute, but gets frustrating, when I am trying to brush my teeth and we have to fight over the sink. Of course, he wants the one that I am at, and if I move, he moves. Lucas has discovered couch cushions. I don't think I need to say much more. He pushes them up, he takes them down and uses them as stairs, he jumps on them. He just loves them. Lucas has been spoiled lately. Since Dad doesn't have school right now, Lucas just soaks up as much time with Matt as he can. He is obsessed with Matt. I love it, Matt gets really tired of it. If Matt is leaning on the counter, Lucas comes running to lean on the counter right next to Dad. If Matt is in the bathroom, Lucas hangs outside the door sliding gifts to Matt under the door. If Matt is on the phone, Luke will grab his phone and walk around the house pretend talking and laughing. He loves his Daddy!

This is the last week of Matt's break from school, and Lucas and I are not looking forward to this semester. Even though I think School is very important, and I think it has blessed our family in so many ways, I do not 'like' school. I think it is great for Matt, and even for me, but it gets hard sometimes. So as of next week, I will be a pregnant single mom of a two year old. Matt has officially applied for the masters program in Speech and Language Pathology, and now we just have to wait to see what happens! Please keep him in your prayers. I am not worried, in fact I know he is going to get in. But Matt is a worrier, and he is nervous. We are praying and keeping our fingers crossed! Thank you for those doing the same! I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas and a Happy New Year. And we look forward to seeing what other changes this new year will bring.